Happy Holidays!
Was last year’s Statucki Holiday Letter too long for your liking? Well, we have bad news for you: this year’s letter is even longer. The good news is that we prepared an abridged version for your convenience:
Craig and Tina still live in Carson City, but now have a camper van to travel in. Craig continues to work for the Nevada Department of Education and is on a mission to find a geocache for 366 consecutive days. Tina finally retired, but now has six part-time jobs in addition to her many hobbies. Tazia still lives in DC with her two cats, still works at the SEC, and is now a part-time graduate student. Quinton and Zoey are happily engaged and you probably are not invited to their wedding next year. The newlyweds, Lavonne and Dennis, did not write their own holiday letter, so Tazia wrote a section for them.
Without further ado, here is the unabridged version of the 2023 Statucki Holiday Letter:
Craig & Tina
Every year I (Craig) say this is going to be the last letter. We have two adult children who are more than capable of sending their own holiday letter and now we have to add two more adults to this letter? This is definitely going to be the final holiday letter.
This was a busy year at work for me as I spent the first six months serving as an Interim Deputy Superintendent at the Nevada Department of Education. It was a great experience, but I would have preferred to play Interim Deputy in a non-legislative session year. The unintended perk of working and traveling so much is that I have now reached Companion status on Southwest and Tina can fly with me anywhere for $11; she is a cheap date for those trips. I returned to my position as Director after the legislative session ended and happy to be back to my career and technical education world. In more important news, I found my 5000th geocache this summer while we were traveling back from Minnesota. I am also currently on a streak of finding at least one geocache a day for the last 180 days. This is not an easy feat when living in a small town, but my goal is to reach 366 consecutive days.
Tina retired in August after a long and storied career in education. I still have a long way to go until I can retire, so I am forcing Tina to work as an independent contractor in order to save money so that I can retire early. Tina’s post-retirement gigs include doing her old job at the Department of Education until the end of January, serving as the Nevada ACTE executive director, working for the Carson City School District as an external auditor, and working for three colleges including the best university in Nevada – UNLV. Did I mention that the Fremont Cannon is painted red? Working so many jobs has cut into Tina’s crafting time, but she still manages to make the treasures she finds at estate sales into great home decorations. Once she gives up one or two of her side jobs, she should really get her camera, start filming her craft projects, and post them to YouTube. She could certainly add interior design influencer to her resume. Plus, it probably pays more than most jobs.
Tina and I have done a lot of travel for work. I think that I have been to Las Vegas about 6 or 7 times in the last year and tried to visit friends when I could, but most trips were flying down and back on the same day. In April, we traveled for work to Fargo, North Dakota. I realize that Fargo doesn’t sound exciting, but Tina won Best Drama Queen at the conference and we got to see her cousin Barbie as well. I went to Phoenix for a work trip in May and we both went to Phoenix again in December for the national ACTE conference (more updates on that in the 2024 holiday letter). We also went to Elko, Nevada in November for a work trip but took time to have dinner and catch up with my friend Eric from high school and his wife Andrea. We just got back last week from a short work trip to Vegas as well.
I’m sure that hearing about our exciting work lives is why you read this letter year after year, but for those of you who want to know about our vacations, the next few paragraphs are for you. When we last left you in 2022, we were headed to Colorado for Christmas. Tazia joined us and we got to spend some time with my family and Quinton, Zoey, and Banks (see below). In March, Tina flew to Washington, DC to attend a conference and extended her stay with Tazia. Instead of staying in DC, the two of them went on their second “Girl’s Trip” and went to Paris. They are both still alive, so it probably went well. There were also huge riots in Paris during their visit but people in France apparently know how to protest without destroying property, looting businesses, or pretending or not pretending to be insurrectionists.
This summer resulted in multiple Griswold family vacation trips. I think that I need to start calling them the Griswold Empty Nesters vacations, but it doesn’t quite flow off the tongue. Just prior to our first trip, we lost Silver unexpectedly and quickly. He was a fantastic member of the family and the house is much quieter without him repeatedly trying to get us to take him outside or to the river. While we miss Silver and having a four-legged friend on our adventures, we did not go out and adopt another dog; Silver is irreplaceable.
We headed to the Virkus family reunion/Lavonne’s wedding in Minnesota with stops in Dinosaur National Monument, Denver to see Quinton and Zoey, and Loveland to visit my parents. Rather than going directly to Lavonne’s wedding and the Virkus Family Reunion, I found a National Park Edition Winnebago Travato “near” the wedding location. Near is a relative term since I once made Tina travel four hours out of the way to find the world’s oldest, active geocache, but 45 minutes is relatively near in my playbook. After some back-and-forth, we became the new owners of a camper van. Fortunately or unfortunately, the van was not ready before we had to return to Carson City, which meant that another trip to Minnesota was in our future. After a fun time at the wedding and reunion, we drove back to Carson City. but not without stopping at several gigantic sculptures on the Enchanted Highway in North Dakota. I really did not want to look at sculptures, but Tina promised there would be geocaches at each of them, so I begrudgingly agreed to the detour.
We would have spent more time on the road, but we had to attend the annual Nevada ACTE Summer Conference in Lake Tahoe – since that is one of Tina’s side hustles. Our annual trip up to the lake was different this year because our friend Mark from Montana came to the conference and stayed a couple of days with us. We probably ran him ragged by driving around Lake Tahoe, hiking the Donner Tunnels, and attending the Carson City concert series. Hopefully, he will come back for another visit.
The second trip to Minnesota was already on Tina’s schedule as she was going to attend Barbie and Andrew’s wedding. I was not originally planning on attending, but I think allowing me to buy a camper van was Tina’s and Barbie’s ploy to get me to take some more vacation time. Andrew and Barbie graciously agreed to pick up the van from the dealer, fix some things on it, and meet us in the Minneapolis area for our first van trip. Our second drive home from Minnesota in less than a month was quite the adventure. Our first overnight stay was outside of Devil’s Tower in Wyoming. Since we are early birds, we beat the crowds at Devil’s Tower, hiked around it, and I found my 5000th geocache. I know what you are thinking. The camper van life is glorious when you are always staying outside of national parks, geocaching whenever you want, and not stopping to make lunch; however, on the second night of our trip we literally pulled over in a rest area between two semi trucks, put up the blinds, and took a short nap before heading home.
We took a couple of months off from leisure traveling because I was busy traveling for work, but in November, we took our next road trip with the van. It took us that long to get back on the road due to a mechanical issue and the dreaded supply chain shortage excuse for parts. Why is there still a supply chain shortage? The pandemic is over and if these dang Gen Z kids would just go to work, Tina’s Amazon purchases would show up in hours and not just the next day. Nevertheless, it finally got fixed and we traveled down the eastern Sierras in California to Manzanar National Historic Site, which used to be an internment camp in World War II for Japanese-Americans. We also visited the Museum of Western Film History in Lone Pine and had our first off-road van experience to explore the beautiful Alabama Hills. The Alabama Hills are famous for being where westerns and modern-day classics are filmed. By modern-day classics, I mean Iron Man and Tremors. Tina and I hiked around the area and re-enacted our favorite scenes from Tremors; I can jump pretty far for an old man if I think a gigantic alien worm is chasing me.
We spent Thanksgiving in Colorado (thanks to my Southwest Companion status and Tina’s hotel travel points) to visit my family, Quinton, and Zoey. I’d like to point out that my parents don’t think we visit very often and we went there three times in 2023. While we were there, Tina desperately wanted to see her old elementary school in Cheyenne. Once again, she coerced me by telling me that three of the most popular geocaches in the country were there, so I relented and agreed to the quick day trip. As I write this, we are preparing for our first winter trip in the van. We will be headed to Great Basin National Park to explore some caves and, hopefully, go snowshoeing.
Well, that is enough about us and you are probably thinking, “I hope this is the last letter because Tazia and Quinton are talkers compared to Craig.” Wait, before I go, I know that I promised Tazia’s friend Aaron a shoutout in this year’s letter. He knows why he deserves this, but as parents of a child who is thousands of miles away, it is nice to know that she has great friends like Aaron, Arielle, and Jihad. Also, Aaron has an excellent political newsletter that Tina reads every day and then tells me about at dinner – you should check it out.
Tazia
In case you were unaware and are just now realizing that you forgot my birthday, 2023 was the year that I deleted my Facebook account. Although I am confident that Grandma Lavonne provides moderately accurate updates on my life to everyone that she knows, this is an opportunity to share my life updates directly with you. Since I do not talk to most of you regularly, I now take this obligation to provide you with an annual update more seriously than ever before. (Let the record reflect that my section of the holiday letter has the fewest words.)
I still live in Washington, D.C. with my two cats, but we moved twice in July when my lease ended. The first apartment had an unfortunate pest problem, so we quickly moved to another building. (Special thanks to Grandma Lavonne for her expertise in lease negotiation tactics and roach eradication measures!) For the second consecutive year, I convinced Tina and Craig to come to D.C. to decorate my new apartment; this time, though, I successfully tricked Tina into organizing every closet and cabinet. In exchange for their help, I entertained Craig’s geocaching adventures on Teddy Roosevelt Island and took Tina to see POTUS: Or, Behind Every Great Dumbass Are Seven Women Trying to Keep Him Alive.
I still work for the SEC, but I am now a Senior Counsel in the Office of International Affairs. For those of you who wondered back in 2015 what I was going to do with my undergraduate degree and law school education, this is it. Just when I finally started to read books for fun (much to the delight of my parents), I decided that I missed reading textbooks. I am now working toward an Executive Master of Business Administration from the University of Nevada, Reno. Go Wolf Pack! You might be asking: What will Tazia do with an EMBA? I’ll be adding more letters to my email signature, hanging another diploma on the wall, and making up for skipping Mr. Jim Friel’s financial literacy class in 9th grade.
Because I am a full-time attorney and part-time graduate student, I did not travel as much this year. As Dad mentioned, Mom and I traveled to Paris together in March. In true Tazia-fashion, our itinerary was packed full of activities including a cooking class, champagne at the Eiffel Tower summit, and seeing Moulin Rouge! I spent Halloween weekend in New Orleans with my friend, Elayna; we learned how to make gumbo in a cooking class, held a baby alligator during a swamp tour, and explored the bars on Bourbon Street. (Do you see a pattern here? I can’t seem to stay away from school, i.e., cooking classes, even on vacation.) At the Virkus family reunion in Minnesota, I was the lucky winner of Jenna’s painting; it will be prominently featured in my home until the Smithsonian requests it. In September, I visited northern Nevada to attend my EMBA program’s fall mixer and to spend time with the family picking and canning apples from my parents’ backyard.
When I am not working, studying, or traveling, you can find me spending time with friends, dating a Jeopardy! Champion, and FaceTiming my soon-to-be sister-in-law! (Thanks, Q, for giving me the best sister!) Until next year, feel free to keep up with my adventures on Instagram, LinkedIn, Goodreads, and Duolingo.
Quinton & Zoey
My Turn
Well, I’m sure you all are as excited as I am about this Christmas letter being the last ever. This “tradition” always seemed a little bit too self-indulgent for me. I mean, we all see how much Tina and Craig like to flaunt their lifestyles in portentous Facebook posts, and since they can not abstain from a pseudo-influencer lifestyle for more than 16 hours, is this letter really necessary? Tazia’s no better; she’s just more selective with her audience – you have to make at least six figures to afford tickets to her show. Look, I’m not belittling the lifestyle, I also have my deplorable character traits; however, it seems as if the moment November rolls around I am forced into sharing intimate details of my life to all of you – most of whom I wouldn’t, or don’t, talk to at compulsory family gatherings. So here I am, for a final time, putting on an award winning performance to report that I am still alive and still the real reason you could sit and endure the interminable length of the Statucki family Christmas letter.
This year has started as most expected, in January, followed by 11 more months for those who follow the Gregorian calendar, or 12 more for those who were born before 1582. New Year’s started with a bang. Not a pun, our neighborhood was a panicle of gunshots ringing through the night just like our founding fathers intended. In true Denver fashion, the police never came. MLK day was great, no joke here; that’s racist. Zoey and I spent our first anniversary together as far away from human interaction as possible. It was the happiest I’ve ever been on vacation.
Groundhog Day was a little surreal – it felt as if I was living the same day over and over until I learned to be less cold and aloof. But that’s February – it’s gonna be cold, it’s gonna be gray, and it’s gonna last the rest of your life. Valentine’s Day was just as eerie, especially when you celebrate the day of love eating dinner in an Italian restaurant located in a little hole in the wall in the north side of Chicago. I celebrate presidents as most of you would; binge drinking and crying over the 1963 assassination of a gold standard backed currency. If you don’t get that joke, you’re probably one of Tazia’s rich lawyer friends or you are too young to understand inflation.
On the twelfth day, God gave us more light; but only in March and only for an hour. It’s weird that an omniscient being would be so parsimonious with light knowing seasonal depression exists. Saint Patty’s Day makes up for that, since it’s the only day out of the year you can use Irish Car Bomb in a sentence without offending the British. Blacking out for an evangelical priest who didn’t like snakes seems like the perfect way to celebrate for a recovering alcoholic. Ramadan started but it didn’t end fast enough; a whole month without swearing? (Beep) that.
On April 1st, I found out I was the favorite child; on the 2nd, I found out I was not. Easter’s a holiday in April. I always forget, not that it’s in April, that people celebrate it. Hail Jesus or whatever you say. At the end of the month, Zoey and I made the pilgrimage back to Reno, Nevada for Sarah and Nolan’s wedding. With us living hundreds of miles away from our family and friends, it’s great to have amazing friends to celebrate with. I was gonna propose to Zoey on that trip, but Lavonne ruined it with a sex joke – that coffee hound.
May was a big month for us. With 31 days, we spent the first four preparing for Margarita’s and AMF’s. On the 5th we stayed home and watched The Alamo starring Billy Bob Thorton. In true comedic timing, I proposed to Zoey on Mother’s Day. You can say I gave Deb Swisher the best Mother’s Day present ever – Me. Memorial Day is the most underrated holiday in my opinion: three-day weekend, American flags, and Toby Keith’s “Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue” on repeat – how can it get any better? For us, driving to the most underwhelming town in Colorado – Loveland.
For my surgical removal day, Zoey and I once again decided to pull a play out of Henry David Thoreau’s playbook and went into the woods because we wished to live deliberately. Nahhhh. We’re just misanthropic. We proudly waved the flag of Somalia on the 14th. I got the day off from work on Juneteenth – again, no joke, racist. Also, this month is dedicated to one of my best men and Zoey’s maid of honor – so proud of you, buddy.
FOURTH OF JULY, BABY. LET’S (BEEP) GO AMERICA!!! Also one of the best holidays, but a little word of caution… don’t use sparklers in a dry meadow. That also goes for gender reveal parties. Looking at you, California. We also went to Mini Soda for another wedding. I’m sure you know that. You read Craig’s segment – I don’t need to tell you again. However, on that trip I learned it’s really expensive to get drunk at negative sea level after living in the Mile High City. That’s not because of the elevation – it’s because they don’t take alcohol seriously and close liquor stores early. To finish that month, our baby boy turned 1 year old, so we gave him kibble with cheese so that he knows he’s special.
August was boring, so we celebrated Roman emperors all month long – even the horse. On the 13th, all the lefties of the world united for a day they can collectively share – lame. Oh, it was also Tazia’s birthday. Happy belated birthday, sis!
September is a somber month for all the Bush administration babies. Good thing it started off with the best three-day weekend of the year – Labor Day (Beep)! It’s the holiday of my people. If you can’t change your oil, frame a house, or lay ‘crete, that day’s not for you – move along. I’m so glad I got to spend the weekend fishing with a fellow blue collar man, my father-in-law.
Boo! Did I scare you? Probably not as much as opening this letter and seeing it was longer than all the doctoral theses of liberal arts majors, combined. For Halloween, I dressed up as Christopher Columbus, but not in his prime – as he would look like today. Banks dressed up as himself. Zoey, as always, was an angel. October also has Nevada Day – if you don’t know what that is, it’s because your state sucks – get out of here.
Halloween extends into November, but it’s like a Cinco de Mayo mash up. 10/10 – would recommend. The rest of the month is a blur until Thanksgiving; however, as I age rapidly in this yawning abyss of life, I enjoy it less and less. It’s not because of the history behind pilgrims or the Ancient Aliens Thanksgiving episode. No. The whole origin behind my disdain for Turkey Day lies with the lackluster football games. Let colleges play that day – they’re more entertaining than watching the Vikings or Broncos lose for the umpteenth time.
December, now we’re here. 18 days into it, try not to expect much.
Finale
Lavonne & Dennis
I was disappointed to find out that Grandma Lavonne and Dennis would not be writing their own holiday letter this year. Apparently, they are too busy being happy newlyweds, so, as the favorite eldest granddaughter, I (Tazia) took it upon myself to prepare this section. I am exceptionally qualified for this role since I FaceTime Grandma Lavonne nearly every week.
Lavonne and Dennis got engaged at the start of the year and wasted no time planning their wedding. As it was the day before the Virkus reunion, they were surrounded by friends and family at their wedding. Dennis made everyone cry with his romantic vows, while Lavonne made everyone laugh as she pulled her glasses out of her bra to read hers. After spending the summer in Minnesota and visiting Niagara Falls for their honeymoon, Lavonne and Dennis returned to Pahrump and their motorcycle club. Yes, Lavonne and Dennis are proud members of the Free Riders; it is free and gives Lavonne a reason to wear a leather vest. Grandma Lavonne is also keeping herself busy with sewing projects; I have already commissioned a Lavonne-original for next October, so you will have to get in line.
Lavonne and Dennis enjoy having company, so feel free to contact them directly if you would like to visit Pahrump. Please note that you are only allowed to stay with them long-term if your name is Tina Martinez or you are one of Lavonne’s siblings or grandchildren.
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Congratulations on making it to the end of the unabridged version of the final Statucki Holiday Letter! We hope that you all have a wonderful holiday season and happy new year!
Craig, Tina, Tazia, Quinton, & Zoey